last post.

Best Legs? Best Figure? Best Looking?

Fattest Legs? Fattest Figure? Ugliest?

No, I won't tell you which is me.

Let me rephrase. No, I don't think a single one of these girls is fat or ugly. Bar One, and I won't tell you which that is, because it's me. I am simply curious what you girls think, I'm not being spiteful or anything, I'm opinion seeking.

Is this all there is?
Current Weight: 115 pounds.

I'm going to a Moulin-Rouge-Themed birthday party on Saturday and I don't have a costume. Do you have any ideas, or suggestions? I want it to be subtly slutty, and also classy. If that is at all possible. Thank you girlies <3

I only stop at exits.

Whiney male vocals drill their way into my head, accompanied by the most beautiful of piano solos. Rain trickles down the window pane, a race. And then it's washed away by the next bshower, splattered onto the glass. Breath would fog up the view, blurring the outside world, pushing it away from here, making it less of a reality, and more of a place I wish to be. In these circumstances there are only two things I could do, or would want to do. Could I roll onto my side and memorise the face of the person I love? Could I wake them up with a kiss, them letting me love them like I always want to? Or would I just face a blank wall, curling myself in a ball, hugging myself together, because nobody else will? Letting tears trail down my cheek would be admitting hurt, admitting heartbreak. But that's what it is. There is nobody to look at, there is nobody to let me love them. There's only those that I want to hold me close who never ever will.

Today was slow and rather painful. I just want to be free, to escape; somewhere people will love me for who I am, and accept me for who I am. I don't want to live anymore, it hurts to much. But I don't want to die either, it would hurt people I love. I just want to exist - it wouldn't be painful, it wouldn't be difficult. It would just be what I could cope with; what I could control.

I've lost all control. Everything is flying out of place and I can't bear it any longer. Any normality I can clasp hold of is the repetitive routine of my life, and even that is about to change. I can't cope with change, I can't adapt well and I can't stay stuck in this pattern. There is nothing left for me, there's only a denial of everything, a willingness to let go.

I hate my figure, I hate my weight. It's disgusting right now, and to be honest, it's just dragging me further down. I need to be 8 stone, I have to be 8 stone. I have to have control over my body, my appearance, my weight. Otherwise, I have control of nothing. I can live through watching everything else collapsing around me. But my figure, my appearance, that is all I have left. I have no other-half to hold me up, to support me. There's nobody to catch me when I fall.

Intake
1 portion sultanas (50)
Some butter icing (100)
Total: 150 calories
Dinner to be arranged.

I don't even care about having dinner. As far as I'm concerned, for the past years of my life, I've just been eating far too much. I've eaten too much today. If I had any idea of self-control, any self-worth and any self-respect, I would have stopped a long time ago. A human body deserves better than to be filled with crap after crap. It deserves to be empty, beautiful. To be seen by others as it is - which is why mine is so disgusting to look at. I fill it with so many awful foods, damaging foods, how can I be surprised that it looks awful, damaged. This has to stop. I have to gain control and I have to lose weight.

There is nothing else for me.

Hold me close, close to wrap your arms around me entirely.

Love me, please.

So today was kind of alright. I had my blood test this morning - it was fasted and I was so hungry. I'm used to just, grazing on grapes, raisins, that kind of thing, while watching the television before bed. That's a habit I have really got to get out of, but it stops me eating breakfast and throughout the day. Anyway, I was really apprehensive about the whole thing, and I was thick enough to look at one point. I knew it was a bad idea - my head started going light and I felt disconnected from my body. I just had to squeeze my eyes shut and focus on breathing.

It's done now, and I just have an uncomfortable arm. It hurts a little bit, maybe I'm just imagining it, because I know it's there, y'know? Anyway, I was hungry and lost blood so it would have made sense to eat. I promised mum I would; she gave me money and everything. Only, I didn't. I was convinced I'd get through alright, and I did, just kind of hungrily. I ate a little bit after about 3.30, and I'm not gonna eat now until dinner.

I have no work. Well, I have no new work. So I should just be revising or something. But I think I'll either do some writing, or watch a movie like Marie Antoinette. Maybe. I should exercise, but my mouth is aching from having my braces tightened, and I can't really move my left arm much in the way of bending. I'll just sit today out - I'm not gaining any weight, so I can't be going too wrong I suppose.

You girls! Thank you all so much for replying to the mass message (a thousand times, I'm sorry), as well as commenting on my more recent posts. It's meant the world that you did notice my disappearance, and even more that you were pleased of my return. It's motivated me to do better, to try harder. I don't want to let you girls down!

Intake
1 Cheesey straw/stick (50)
1 Bowl vegetable soup (105)
1 Mandarin yoghurt (107)
Total: 262 calories
Dinner (Risotto) to be arranged

So angels, thank you a thousand times again. You've all come so far, I can only aspire to be as motivated as you are. I admit, I would gladly change places with any one of you if I gained your self-control. Stay strong petals <3

My dream, another's reality.

Today I just though ianianian and for once, I didn't care. I didn't have to worry if he had a girlfriend and how screwed up it was that I'm a little bit crazy. I didn't sit with them today, I'm sick of the girls slagging me off. So I have my other friends, who love me no matter what. Anyway, I thought of him, and I was happy. Just privately happy.

My friends joked about me having an eating disorder, but they always do. It's just because I never eat in school, and they've got pre-conceived, and wrong, ideas about them. I don't have an eating disorder. I'm not thin enough yet.

I had the orthodontist this morning. Now, my teeth hurt like a bitch and I can only eat mushy food. So That's all I've had, and dinner will be too difficult. Besides, tomorrow I'm having my fasted blood test, so I can't eat too late anyway. Today has just been filled with good news.

My history teacher knows more about my drunken saturday nights than I do. How freaked is that!? Not that I care, he's awesome, but all the same. I wish I could remember sometimes.

In almost 2 weeks my friends having her birthday party, 'Moulin Rouge' themed. So I wanna look fantastic for that. I really do - Ian will be there and I suppose it'll be the start of what's been waiting to happen for months now. Or I'm just feeling really optimistic today, and nothing will come of it.

I just don't want my happy bubble to burst right now. So I'm holding on to everything. I'm even making special efforts with my mum and sister. I love them dearly, I just find it difficult to show that usually. Mostly because I'm starving so I'm in a bad mood. Once I'm thin I can love them, and they can love me for the right reasons.

Intake
1 Cherry Yoghurt (95)
2/3 Bowl of Soup (150)
Small plate of bolognaise (200)
1 Pineapple & Peach Yoghurt (97)
Total: 542 calories

You're all looking really great at the moment sweethearts, I just know it. You've all come so far, been so supportive, and I love you all to little pieces. I'm thinking of you, always <3

I was reading a post about conspiracy theories on my msn homepage, because it looked really interesting. And it was. It talked about the Roswell crash in 1947, and I have to admit, I've never been more obsessed with one historical event. I love the idea of an alien UFO crash/encounter. I adore the series, it's really dorky of me, I know. But I just couldn't grow tired of the idea. And Max and Liz are easily the cutest couple, ever. I just didn't want them to end, and I know it's way before my time, but I love it so so much. Do any of you love it, or have seen it? What do you think, an alien encounter? Or just a way to get the media's attention?